ikutoxmaria

This account is full of bad memories, and broken dreams. I need to get my life back in order before I can start anything else. A fresh start sounds really nice right now, but I have to fix my problemes before I can do that. I would like to proudly say that I have now been clean for about two months, not very long but it's a start. I'm starting to feel like me again, if that even makes any sense.  Things are starting to look up for me, I'm still somewhat sad about Jess. We were going to go to homecoming with eachother but now we can't even do that. Time heals wounds but Jess you left a scar on me. I'm doing better Jess, let me live out the spirit of you in doing better for myself.  You been my best friend since third grade, I miss you a lot. Well, thanks for the support from all of my little lovelies, this account will be shut down in a week or so, it was fun while it lasted


Mariaxjess~

As you know the other day was my first day of High School. I found myself wandering the hall's looking for you, and you only. I then remembered you had left me to be in a better place. Sometimes you make me wonder if you are better off alone. I want to see you smile, and see the light in those eyes. If I had one more wish it would be to allow me to say "I love you." And here you respond "I love you and everything is going to be alright." Jess, you left me in this hell hole to suffer all alone.  I don't know what to do anymore. I am slowly going insane, I can feel it in my blood.  Jess, why did you do this I don't know how to feel anymore. Because of you I am utterly numb. No feeling, no heart,no more drugs, no more pain, no more love, no more lies. Jess I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I jsut want to be with you, should I try? I think I might try Jess, here we go one more chance...

Dear jess,
First off I wanted to say how much I will miss you, now let me ramble on about us.
Well, you were never the boy next door, you were always my tranny next door. Whenever my mom asked me if I wanted to do something, it was never "just Maria". It was always Maria and Jess. You were my best friend Jess. I remember the first day I meet you utterly confused I asked "what gender are you?, Your amazing response was "it." From that moment on, I know we were going to be friends. Jess I remember when there was a tornado, and we were alone, I walked over to your house, and we played in your basement until my mom came home. Jess, I can't believe the knife cut your life short. I know you loved life, and hated it. No matter what, no matter how much pain you were going through, you were always trying to make me smile. Jess, I will never forget your goofy laugh.  I will miss you, and I can't wait to see you in heaven some day

RIP Jess my tranny next door <3

First steps, first time you ride a bike, first kiss, first day in high school...Which I will not be attending... Actually i'm not even sure when i'm coming back. Relapse number three..fail. I'm here right now because I don't give a fuck anymore and my parents want me to change "Me." I won't change me because I don't care anymore what people think of it,  I wont change how i act, my pearsonality my daily habits or anything else for a matter. Someone I loved who I thought I could trust once told me "You will be lonely, because you can't trust anyone you always have your guard up, when I see you I feel like i'm staring at a emotionless soul." Emotionless soul indeed, the other day I found myself mumbling about how much I hated myself...I believed it.

hey guy's....so I know I went a a rant how I wasn't going back....but I did and I got kicked out again. I'm not going to go back again, it's now a lifestlye I don't look at it the same way anymore. I don't just like to do it. I need to do it, it's like my medicine. I am truly thankful for everyone who has accepted my "needs..." but for all those who cut me out of their life....it still hurt really bad. Sometimes I just can't imagine life without you in it...but then I don't know how im living because you cut yourself out of my life. My life is so unreal it feels real. I don't like what I did to myself....Funny how all of this started with those three little words...."I hate you."